Archive for the ‘Shakespeare’ Category
"But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?" said Romeo, walking out of the woods and approaching Juliet's balcony.
A Martian leaned out the window, took aim, and fired his disruptor rifle at the horny teenager, incinerating him.
Juliet tried to scream, but the stasis field muted her plaintive sounds.
"What about the nurse?" asked another Martian.
The first Martian drew a finger across his throat.
To Romeo, Juliet was the sun.
But to Mars, she would make an excellent breeding-host.
Cargo bays full, the Martian ship extended its wings and silently rose through the puffing clouds into the heavens.
Hopeless Romantic
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Tags: book, quote, science fiction, sick, tragedy
Posted in My Own Crap, Shakespeare |
Caesar approaches The Roman Senate.
Cimber presents him with a petition, but he slaps it away.
Cimber growls and rips the dictator's tunic.
Caesar stares, muscles rippling.
A mighty fist lashes out, Cimber goes sprawling.
Casca pulls a knife. The Senate gasps as he raises it.
Caesar kicks! The knife flies away. Then with a roundhouse kick, Casca follows.
"GET HIM!" shouts Brutus, and they all attack.
One by one, Caesar kicks, punches, and chops his way through the Senate, defeating them all.
"CUT!" shouts the director.
He calls the producer. "I think we made a mistake casting Chuck Norris."
Caesar
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Tags: history, movies, silly
Posted in My Own Crap, Shakespeare |
All the world's a stage
But unlike those women and men
Who are merely players
With their exits and entrances
We are the guys who run the box office
Selling tickets to people
Who have nothing better to do
Than watch the same old shit
Happen over and over and over
Sure, some do it better than others
The ushers come in and tell us
"Hey, this one dude, he's good!"
We take turns, close a window
Watch for a while, get bored
And come back to the box office
Reopen the window, and ask
"How many for the show?"
All The World's A Stage
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Tags: cliche, mystery, poetry, society
Posted in My Own Crap, Shakespeare |
The Verona town guard gave the Capulets and Montagues a wide berth during patrols.
"Wherefore art thou, Romeo?" shouted Juliet.
Romeo was behind a tree, clutching his bleeding shoulder. "I swear I'll get you, bitch!" he shouted back.
Juliet swung the rifle around and squeezed the trigger.
Romeo yelped in terror as the bullet struck the tree he was behind.
"Come out and tell me how my beauty is like the sun one more time, you creep!"
Romeo heard Juliet's father chastising her.
He made a quick escape... and took a bullet in the back.
"Good shot, Daddy!" Juliet cheered.
Wherefore Art Thou?
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Tags: book, cliche, quote, sick, society
Posted in My Own Crap, Shakespeare |
I saw the strangest thing in the paper today.
The theater critic reviewed a local production of Shakespeare and was unsparing in their attacks on one of the actors.
Despite the slowness and awkwardness of the venue, the set design did get praise.
But what was most curious was their gushing praise for a local performer of renown, going so far as to say that they sparkled, not just in the play, but everything they did.
They were in the audience, not in the play.
I'd tell you who said this, but they're just a critic: nobody remembers their names.
She Sparkled
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Tags: commentary, second life, silly
Posted in My Own Crap, Shakespeare |
Every Thursday, the neighborhood kids gather up at the local church and put on a puppet show for the town.
This week was different.
You see, someone burned down the shed the kids used to store their arts and crafts.
Years and years of handcrafted puppets, up in smoke.
So, the children used cheese. They put hunks of cheddar, gouda, and havarti on sticks and a bedsheet curtain rose to thunderous applause.
Hamlet had never been so... delicious.
When the curtain fell for the last time, we gave them a standing ovation.
And then, got our our wine and crackers.
theplay.mp3
Tags: commentary, food, silly, tragedy
Posted in My Own Crap, Shakespeare |
The old jester imagined that he would be telling jokes in court to laughing royalty, screwing maids in the barn, and dining on the best of what the castle's kitchen had to offer.
Instead, he had a mouth full of mud and his back ached from the weight of the young prince.
"Horsey!' shouted Hamlet.
Yorick groaned with each kick to his ribs.
At first, it was a delight. But with each passing week of being a plaything, Yorick grew weary.
Yorick never did get the laughter, maids, or feasts.
He died a broken man, a feast for the worms.
yorick.mp3
Tags: book, cliche, medieval, quote, tragedy, work
Posted in My Own Crap, Shakespeare, The Best Of 100 Word Stories |
"All the world's a stage," said The Immortal Bard.
Little did he know, a thousand years after he said that a team of astronauts and planetary engineers would transform one of Saturn's moons into an orbiting open-air theater.
Well, open-space theater. Despite several attempts to enclose the moon with an atmosphere, the semi-permeable membrane bubble kept leaking and bursting under the pressure.
The remote-controlled gargantuan robots were tied to neural pickups in the actors brains.
Someone backstage said "MacBeth" and cursed the production. Next thing we knew the planetoid had shattered.
Thank goodness for armored spacesuits and extra oxygen tanks.
shakesphere.mp3
Tags: quote, science fiction
Posted in My Own Crap, Shakespeare |
Bill bred the monkeys specifically for manual dexterity and docile temperament.
The typewriters, hauled out of some warehouse, just needed dusting and fresh ribbons.
Writers Guild representatives caught wind of Bill's plan and used everything short of poisoning the banana supply to stop him.
Despite these evil schemes, Bill persevered, and his simian legions grew.
And produced.
At first, random garbage was the result. Lots of stained, crumbled sheets of typing paper covered with garble.
Then, smashed typewriters and the occasional dead monkey.
They never did manage to produce Shakespeare, but made a fine line in Bill's obituary years later.
themonkeys.mp3
Tags: book, cliche, mystery, science fiction, silly
Posted in My Own Crap, Shakespeare |
I couldn’t believe my ears! The kid talked! The kid opened his mouth, and instead of sucking on something or barfing, he talked!
The baby is only three or four months old, and he’s reciting Shakespeare.
No, really. Shakespeare. William Shakespeare.
Can’t use the toilet. Can’t walk. Can’t even crawl.
And sure enough, he’s into the third act of Julius Caesar.
I hate Julius Caesar. Give me a copy of As You Like It or a Midsummer’s Night Dream with a nice bottle of red wine to make the evening.
Oh well. We can always try for having another kid.
thekidtalked.mp3
Tags: book, childhood, horror, science fiction
Posted in My Own Crap, Shakespeare |
She Sparkled
I saw the strangest thing in the paper today.
The theater critic reviewed a local production of Shakespeare and was unsparing in their attacks on one of the actors.
Despite the slowness and awkwardness of the venue, the set design did get praise.
But what was most curious was their gushing praise for a local performer of renown, going so far as to say that they sparkled, not just in the play, but everything they did.
They were in the audience, not in the play.
I'd tell you who said this, but they're just a critic: nobody remembers their names.
She Sparkled
Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:26 — 669.8KB)