100 Word Stories

Instead of going out to lunch, I eat carrots and celery at my desk at work. Then, when I get my lunch break, I go for an hourlong power walk through the tunnels under Downtown Houston.

During one of my walks, a crew of three men had spread a tarp on the floor and were changing lightbulbs. But they were moving the ladder out of the way when people approached, not rotating it as one guy on it held the bulb.

Why they had the tarp on the floor, I never asked. I just walked back to work and pondered.

Change Bulbs

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:05 — 507.7KB)

It started when the Oxford English Dictionary created a separate volume for epithets, slurs, and "dirty" words.

Some words were moved from their main volumes to the "ghetto" volume without much fuss, such as "nigger" and "faggot" but others were debated heavily before their demotion.

The collection grew from a pamphlet to a booklet, then a book, and eventually outweighed the main set.

The Polite Laws are next. The segregation of words are to be enforced in public.

Maybe even private, depending on how effective the public ban is.

Me, I think censorship of words censors ideas.

Fuck that noise.

Separate Volume

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:20 — 624.5KB)

The farmer has fed the turkey every day, and the turkey has every reason to believe this will continue on forever.

So, when the farmer loads the turkey on to the truck and takes him to the butcher, the turkey is thinking “The butcher is going to feed me?”

The butcher approaches with a knife, raises the blade, and then hands it to the turkey.

“Nobody will suspect you,” he whispers to the turkey.

Then he pulls out a photograph of a rival butcher.

“I want no witnesses.”

The turkey nods, and then says “So, when do I get fed?”

The Turkey

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:19 — 613.9KB)

After the invasion, we spent trillions of dollars rebuilding the infrastructure we’d bombed and destroyed, sacrificing thousands of soldiers fighting the insurgents thwarting those rebuilding efforts.

Despite the unpopularity and the massive expense of the project, the politicians ordered the military and the contractors to continue.

Then, one day, a builder took off his hard hat, looked around at the beautifully-paved streets and newly-painted shopping malls and schools and houses and hospitals, and he said “It looks like we’re done.”

A security contractor nodded his head, and then said: “Nice place. But quiet. Anybody left alive to enjoy it?

The Invasion

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:22 — 641.4KB)

Jimmy walked into the kitchen, picked up a banana, and put it on his shoulder.

Then he got out a bowl, filled it with cereal, poured milk into it, and stuck that on top of his head.

He didn’t spill a drop.

Then he dropped two slices of bread in the toaster, waited, and juggled the toast in one hand while spinning a glass of orange juice with a finger on the other hand.

He walked back to the table and sat down.

Janice wanted a diet soda, but Jimmy growled “That’s not part of a complete and balanced breakfast!”

Balanced breakfast

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:10 — 543.2KB)

Love Potion Number One was too acidic. Burned through the flask, ruined the countertop.
Number Two tasted weird. Like bathwater. And grease. Ew.
Three and Four were highly volatile. Evaporated the moment you opened them. Inhalers? Nah. Asthmatics would get confused. And horny.
Five turned the subject violent.
Thankfully, Six acted as an antidote, but turned their skin green. Kinda kinky.
Number Seven was a deadly neurotoxin. We sold it to the CIA.
Eight makes a good stain remover. See my pants? Spotless!
Oh well.
Care for some tea?
Good. I’ll pour.
And be sure to drink it all, darling.

Love Potion Number

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:30 — 706.9KB)

One day, all the pelicans vanished.

In their place, neatly-typed sheets of paper explained in perfect French how there was a serious design flaw with pelicans necessitating an immediate recall of all pelicans.

Those that could not be upgraded to meet basic safety standards would be replaced or compensated for at fair market value.

Unsigned. Undated.

The next day, pelicans reappeared.

Nobody could explain exactly what had happened.

Was it an elaborate prank by aliens?

Proof of the existence of God?

Why was the note in French?

But most importantly, why pelicans?

I still can’t tell what’s changed about them.

Pelicans

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 1:19 — 614.7KB)