This is the first chapter in the Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln, where a famous Lincoln quote is turned upside down and inside out in 100 words.

"How long must a man's legs be? Long enough to reach the ground."

Abraham looked down and winced.

His legs dangled from the chair. He kicked and swung them, but they never reached the floor.

Abraham bit his fist and cried silently, his face a twisted mask of agony.

"Abraham!" yelled Mary Todd. "Come down here this instant!"

"My legs are not long enough to reach the ground!" yelled Abraham. "Nobody must see me this way! Tell the generals to all go home!"

"Abraham!" she shouted. "Oh, my sweet darling Abraham!"

He cried loudly, whimpering.

Mary Todd cried, too. She'd give every penny she had to see her Abraham's bright, shining face again.

Now we know.

This is the second chapter in the Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln, where a famous Lincoln quote is turned upside down and inside out in 100 words. We continue the assault on the quote from chapter one...

"How long must a man's legs be? Long enough to reach the ground."

Abraham rubbed the ointment on his thighs and calves for a week. Soon, he was his old, tall self again.

But not for long.

The trouble started when he began grazing a few chandeliers. Then, he'd bump his head on archways.

Finally, he had to duck to keep from braining himself on the ceiling.

"I have exchanged one Hell for another!" shouted Abraham on his high, stilt-like legs. "This is agony!"

"Yes, but they reach the ground now, right?" said Mary Todd.

Abraham sighed. At least he could scrape the butter-pats off of the ceiling that Tad kept flicking there.

You just had to ask, Abe.

This is the third chapter in the Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln, where a famous Lincoln quote is turned upside down and inside out in 100 words. We join Abraham in thought as he scribbles some notes on the back of an envelope...

"Four score and seven years ago..."

"Four score and seven years ago," mumbled Abraham.

He stopped.

"Ago... or... from now?" he said.

What would the World of 1950 be like?

He imagined railroads everywhere, coal-fired behemoths racing fast as a gazelles from town to town. Massive steamboats plying the ocean waters. Maybe hot-air balloons for every man, woman, and child to float around, narrowly grazing the world-wide web of telegraph wires.

And chess machines! Turkish dwarves stuffed in simulacra to play at any time!

Abe liked the World of 1950.

Too bad that he had to kick some more ass in 1863 to make it happen.

I think I'm getting the hang of this.

This is the fourth chapter in the Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln, where a famous Lincoln quote is turned upside down and inside out in 100 words. We join Abraham defending himself against a snide, nasty crowd of reporters...

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"

"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" asked Abraham.

The crowd laughed, and Abraham took the opportunity to scurry back to his private quarters.

"Let me out!" shouted a familiar voice from the desk drawer. "Let me out of here, you ugly bastard!"

"Never!" shouted Abraham back. "I will not unleash your evil upon the
world ever again!"

"Evil?" said the voice. "But isn't war always a bad thing? Sure, millions must remain slaves to avoid confrontation, mind you..."

Later that night, Abe encased his beautiful face in concrete and sunk it in the White House well.

Ever see the well on the White House grounds?

This is the fifth chapter in the Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln, where a famous Lincoln quote is turned upside down and inside out in 100 words. We join General Lee in a moment of shock as he discovers what Slightly Less Than Honest Abe has done with his house in Arlington. Try to guess the famous Lincoln quote this is based on.

"My home is a what?" yelled General Lee.

"A cemetery, sir," said the messenger.

"This means war!" shouted Lee. He then looked in the mirror.

"Wait. Hold on. I'm already at war. Damn you, Lincoln!"

---

Lee sent a squadron of Confederate spies to the backwoods of Kentucky. They found the log cabin, and Lee had it rendered into toothpicks.

"Excellent party, Miss Scarlett," said Rhett Butler. "These cocktail
weenies are most excellent."

"It's the quality toothpick spears that make them good," said Scarlett O'Hara. "Lincoln's finest."

Both laughed until they smelled the smoke.

Sure enough, General Sherman crashed the party.

Did you guess?

Good.

This is the sixth chapter in the Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln, where a famous Lincoln quote is turned upside down and inside out in 100 words. Abraham Lincoln once said that when a preacher was preaching, he should act as if fighting bees. Well, we find out why he said it in this 100 word story...

The preacher shouted hellfire upon the congregation, waving his arms like a madman. He kept a stack of bibles by his pulpit, and he'd throw them at exhausted parishioners.

Twenty feet above, Abraham clung to the rafters.

He'd staked out this church for weeks, testing his drops and marking spots with chalk.

Wait for it... wait for it...

NOW!

The rafter creaked under his weight. The hive slipped from his grasp and fell on the choir director.

Oh well, he thought. When I hear a choir play, I like to see them act as if they were fighting bees, too.

Pat Robertsons of the world, beware.

This is the seventh chapter in the Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln, where a famous Lincoln quote is turned upside down and inside out in 100 words. Not every bit of Abraham's wisdom was taken positively. Especially the one about being able to make generals, but it cost money to buy a horse.

Abe had his back to the wall, surrounded by an angry mob of generals.

"Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have said all that about you," said Lincoln. "After all, you can always make horses, too. You just put a Mommy horse and a Daddy horse together and-"

They dragged him to the White House Hanging Tree. The generals threw the rope over a branch, tied the other end around his neck, and put him on the back of an old nag.

"GIDDYAP!" shouted General Grant, slapping the horse on the ass.

The horse ignored Grant, turned to Abe, and winked.

I'd buy the horse. When they die, you can eat them.

This is the eighth chapter in the Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln, where a famous Lincoln quote is turned upside down and inside out in 100 words. This time, Abe gets caught on his own quote about wanting to reach the unexplored regions. Especially when you consider he's doing it with the most deranged of his War Cabinet. (Yes, this is the first Somewhat Dishonest Abe story with the new USB Microphone)

The chittering grew louder. Abraham wrapped the last of his shirt around the stick, dipped it in oil, and lit the torch again.

"Back to the Kingdom of the Molemen or ahead to The Cave Of Razor-Apes?" whispered Harry Stanton.

"We should have just stayed in the kitchen," he grumbled. "What was I thinking?"

"Pardon me, genius," said McLellan. "Didn't you say we should seek the unexplored regions?"

"I didn't mean in here," he sighed. "How was I to know there was an abyss of caves under that trap door?"

Silence.

Grant emptied his flask.

"Jesus!"

The torch went out.

Inspired by the Colossal Cave Adventure and Zork.

This is the ninth chapter in the Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln, where a famous Lincoln quote is turned upside down and inside out in 100 words. "If you do something, do it well," is an infamous Lincoln quote which is open to misinterpretation, and Instapundit's Glenn Reynolds takes it way too far...

Abraham woke to a horrific grinding and screaming. He ran down to the White House kitchen

"Professor Reynolds, explain yourself this instant!" shouted Lincoln.

"Well, you know how I like to mutilate puppies with knives, correct?"

"Yes," said Lincoln hesitantly. "You're quite good at it."

"I've invented a device that will mutilate them quicker with high-speed rotating knives," said Reynolds. "It's called a blender."

Lincoln examined the device. He wiped off the puppy guts and blood and held it up.

"At least you're doing it well," said Abraham, putting the blender down. "Go on."

The screams continued into the night.

Damn the Puppy Blender! Damn him to Hell!

I know that all three of you listeners love this Abraham Lincoln stuff, so here's the tenth chapter in the series.

The quote that I'm turning upside-down is at the end of the story.

Abraham smiled and leered over his old enemy Senator Douglas.

"So, will you be my friend now?" said Lincoln.

"Never!" shouted the bloody-faced Douglas. "I will never yield!"

Lincoln kicked Douglas in the ribs, and Douglas howled in pain.

"Friends?' offered Lincoln, reaching down to the bloody and ragged Senator. "Please?"

"Never!" wheezed the wobbly Douglas.

Lincoln hit him with a chair, knocking Douglas out.

Lincoln had him dragged back to the dungeon.

"Rest, my enemy," said Lincoln. "We begin fresh tomorrow morning."

Sure, you can destroy your enemies by making friends of them, but where's the fun in that?

Get it?

Will this never end? In 100 words, I tell the eleventh tale of our series where Abraham Lincoln faces a crowd that makes him realize how silly one of his famous sayings truly is.

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt," said Abraham to the crowd.

"What if you just make silly faces?" said a carpenter.

"Um," said Lincoln. "Er-"

"Or if you roll around in the street and chew horse manure?" said a lady with a broom.

"Well," said Lincoln. "I mean-"

"Standing in the rain naked is foolish!" shouted a child.

Abraham stopped and stared.

I'm supposed to win the war with these clowns?

Man, he thought, I'm screwed. Let someone else run in 1864, I'm going the hell home.

Ah, the unwashed masses. The flock to be herded.

Lincoln once said something about getting rid of bad laws by enforcing them strictly instead of repealing them. Well, this little 100 word story shows the deadly flaw in that position.

"The council of Spartansburg is mad, Mister President!" shouted Colonel West. "They have passed a law commanding that everyone in the town must die!"

Abraham shrugged. "Who are we to doubt their angry widsom?"

"But, sir! The law must be repealed!"

"No," Lincoln said. "Enforce the law to its fullest."

Two days later, all were dead. Then came the torches.

Spartansburg vanished, scorched clean from the map.

Along with its law books.

Later, Lincoln surveyed the carnage. "Okay, you're right," he said. "I should have asked them to repeal the law instead of enforcing it strictly."

General Sherman took notes.

HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT: Look for Spartansburg on a map.

"Cats sure fight a lot, but there's always plenty of kittens" was a saying of Abraham Lincoln's. What happens when that goes a little too far? Let's find out!

Walking carefully up the stairway, Abraham tried hard not to trip on any kittens.

Somewhere down the hallway, the cats were fighting again.

"Monsters!"

He almost made it to the top. Then, all of the sudden, a herd of kittens came down the hallway to the stairs.

The President reeled and grasped for the railing.

After falling four steps, he clung tightly.

"Oh Lord!" moaned Lincoln. "No more kittens!"

Mary Todd poked her head out of the sewing room. "But you said-"

"I think we've got more than plenty now!" shouted Abe. "Enough!"

They were coming back.

Abe braced himself.

Okay, it still doesn't make any sense.

Abraham Lincoln once said that if you have a hold of an elephant and it's trying to get away, let it go.

"Stop!" Abraham shouted. "I command you to stop!"

Abe clung to the back legs of the angry elephant, wondering how the hell he got into this mess.

Why do I keep doing these things? he thought. Why won't I just let him run away?

He let go, passed out, and by some miracle wasn't trampled.

Later, the ringmaster waved some smelling salts under the president's nose.

Lincoln awoke. Johnson shrugged and went back home.

"I was drunk again, wasn't I?" said Abe.

"As a goddamned skunk," said the ringmaster.

"Forget about the elephants," said Lincoln. "No more circuses for me."

I'm not sure what the symbolism of that statement is, but it makes for an excellent tale of the Not So Honest Abe.

Today's happy story with the Less Than Honest Abe concerns a tale wrapped around an odd quote where he couldn't tell if it was tea or coffee in his cup.

Abraham looked in his mug, frowning.

"Is there a problem, sir?" asked the steward.

"Is this coffee?" asked Abe.

"I don't think so," said the steward.

"Okay," said Abe. "Is it tea?"

The steward sniffed the liquid in the cup.

"It's neither," said the steward. "It's bourbon."

"Bourbon?" said Lincoln. "Ah. Bring me the rest of the bottle, then."

Lincoln looked out the window of the rail car.

It would be nice if they were moving. Or were still hooked to the engine, for that matter.

They'll come back for me, he thought. I'm the President.

He sipped and smiled.

Inspired by that awful "Wild Wild West" movie.

This time we meet up with our favorite president as he tries to chop down a tree. He's famous for saying that if he had six hours to chop down a tree that he'd use the first four to sharpen the axe, but he didn't always practice what he preached.

The tree stood on the edge of the White House lawn, swaying in the breeze.

The scars along its trunk mocked him.

Abe now really hated that tree.

Not enough time, he thought. Not enough time for this.

Lincoln leaned on the axe blade, pushing it into the spinning grindstone. Sweat poured off of his brow, and his shoulders ached with the strain.

"Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe," he mumbled to himself. "First, not last!"

Next time, he'd just have the artillery boys use it for target practice.

I was going to do something with "The Shining."

A little ditty about holding on with a bulldog grip, which Lincoln ends up regretting. Poor Abe!

This is the seventeenth Wacky Adventure With Abraham Lincoln. If you've liked what you've heard, well, good. If you haven't, try drinking a little more. Alcohol makes everything funny.

Pain.

Sharp, agonizing pain.

Abraham screamed.

"GET THIS BULLDOG OFF OF ME!" rang through the halls of the White House.

Abe flailed his arm, but the bulldog refused to release Abe's wrist.

At one point, Abe managed to pry the beast's mouth open with a fireplace iron, but the dog leapt for his thigh and renewed its grip on the President.

"SON OF A BITCH, THAT HURTS!" shouted Abe.

Abe grabbed an axe from his desk and brained the dog, freeing his leg.

He didn't bother asking why the axe was there, preferring just to remain grateful for its presence.

Mmmmmm... Scotch!

Abraham Lincoln once said "I must run the machine as I find it."

Let's play around with that a bit...

Abraham stared at the machine, letting his eyes wander across the contours, wires, gears, and pistons.

"What the hell is this thing?" he said.

"We're not sure," said the best of his advisors. "But we think it has something to do with chickens."

Abe shrugged and stuffed a chicken in one end.

Lights flashed. Smoke belched. Gears ground.

A bell rang.

"It's done," said the advisor.

An egg rolled down a chute.

"The possibilities are endless," said the advisor, smiling.

Seventy-three eggs later, Lincoln fired the advisor and made a very large omelet for the troops on the West Lawn.

I've got a few more of these written up. I swore that I'd go for 100, but somehow I stopped at 25. If I hit the wall, I hit the wall and we go with The End Of The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincon.

I can always number it abe100.mp3 and then backfill. Abe left a lot of good material, you know.

Abraham Lincoln once said that he carried his mother's prayers everywhere he went. This is certainly one way it could be accomplished...

The glowing glyphs twisted around Abraham's skin like sheets of ice on a river.

"Mother was not content to teach me respect for The Lord," said Lincoln. "She inscribed powerful, holy prayers upon my body. Like some common circus performer."

"Do they hurt?" asked the reporter.

Abe put his shirt back on and sighed, grimacing in pain. "Only when I think evil and unholy acts," said the President.

The reporter jotted that down. "So, what malfeasance are you pondering to cause your discomfort?"

Abraham stabbed him in the throat.

"Keeping this story out of the papers," he said, blaming Mother.

If you don't believe it, fine. Check The TIME Magazine Article for more.

Sorry about not recording and posting some of the most recent 100 Words stories.

I've still got a few Abes and Mustard Mans prepared for when my voice gives out or other circumstances make it necessary.

All around the buffet table, piled high with the most delicious and tempting snacks, people stood and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

"What are you waiting for?" asked Abe, arriving late.

"Good things," said several people in the crowd around the table. "Good things come to those who wait."

"Screw that," said Abe. He rushed to the buffet table, grabbing up all the tasty snacks.

He even managed to fill his stovepipe hat with pudding.

"You snooze, you lose, suckers!" shouted Lincoln.

Only later, as he was throwing up his purloined goodies, did he learn that the table had been the scene of a skunk fight.

Just to refresh your memory, I have a stack of Abraham Lincoln quotes on my desk. I have challenged myself to write a twisted tale about as many as I can, but limiting myself to 100 words.

Today... we've got a naked Abraham Lincoln here! Wow!

With public sentiment, nothing can fail. Without it, nothing can succeed.

Abe walked over the hill and saw a circle of people in robes, chanting at a naked man in the middle.

Every five seconds, the man leapt into the air and fell back down to the ground.

"What are you doing?" whispered Abe to an acolyte.

"We are helping our master leap to the moon," said the priest. "If we try hard enough, he will succeed. He cannot fail."

The naked man leapt again. And fell back down.

Again and again.

Eventually, the naked man was too tired to jump anymore.

While the naked man rested, Abe took his place. He was happy to help the chanters, and it had been at least a week since he'd been naked in public.

"To the moon!" he shouted, leaping.

Okay, so

Let's mess with yet another famous quote from Honest Abe...

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Abe sat in his chair and smiled.

"I am very happy," he said.

"Any particular reason why you're happy?" asked Mary Todd.

"Because I have decided to be happy," said Abe. "I have made my mind up, and I will be happy."

Mary Todd smiled.

"Why are you smiling?" asked Abe.

"The voices in my head have stopped screaming," said Mary Todd. "They're now reading the newspaper aloud."

"Let me know when you get to the sports section," said Abe.

Isn't this fun?

I've recently submitted this podcast to the Apple iPod podcasting directory, but it's not showing up yet. I've added most of the podcast-wide tags to the feed, but I guess I need to put them all in for them to be happy.

He's back!

"You must eat!" cried Mary Todd. "You're wasting away!"

Abe kept his mouth shut. He knew the "Make Abe talk and stuff food in his mouth" trick all too well.

So he communicated by notepad:

I WILL NOT EAT THIS SLOP

"But I made it myself," pled Mary Todd.

THESE CARROTS SMELL LIKE THEY WERE BOILED IN SEWER WATER

"How about a nice juicy steak?" said Mary Todd.

Abe scribbled quickly:

DOES GENERAL GRANT KNOW THAT THAT YOU SLAUGHTERED HIS HORSE?

Mary Todd ran from the kitchen, weeping.

Abe grinned, grabbed his whiskey bottle from under the sink, and drank.

Did you miss him?

Is anything true anymore? Let's ask Abe...

The carpeting swirled, the walls breathed, and the air sparkled with energy.

Abe laughed.

"There is nothing true anywhere," Abe said to the three-headed cyclops with bat's wings for arms.

The three-headed cyclops smirked. "Go on," it said.

"The true is nowhere to be seen," said the president.

"Maybe," said the cyclops. "Your perception is most strange. Is there more?"

"Yes," said Abe. "If you say you see the true, this seeing is not the true one."

"That's very deep," said the cyclops. "But I'd like to remind you that I warned you not to eat those brownies, Mister President."

Nope. Nothing is true anymore.

"No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar" is one of my favorite Lincoln quotes.

Abe went back to his office and slammed the door.

The press had nailed him.

Again.

"SECRETARY!" he shouted.

His secretary crawled out from behind his desk and clutched a notebook, trembling.

"Yes, Mister President?" mumbled the secretary. "Problems?"

"What did we discuss yesterday?" growled Lincoln.

The Secretary flipped through his notes. "No man has a good enough memory... to be a successful... liar," he read.

"Which means..."

"You need me to keep track of your lies?" said the Secretary.

"EXACTLY!"

The Secretary nodded. "It will never happen again, sir," he whimpered. "Ever."

But one hundred and ten years later...

(If you do the math, I'm referring to Nixon and Haig, not Bush and Rove.)

Abe had a really funny saying about skunks. He meant to apply it to politicians, but what if it really was a comment on skunks?

Abraham Lincoln enjoyed quiet weekends at the farm. They were so much better than his weekdays in Washington, plotting the country's destiny and writing stacks of letters to the parents of dead soldiers.

So much death, and so little time to escape from it.

But not today.

A shriek shattered the air. Then, a sickening thud.

Abe ran to the barn, looked down at the dead skunk, and sighed.

"What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself," he said.

"Bull," said the farmer. "I upped and smacked it with my hoe. That done kilt the varmint, I reckon."

I love the word varmint, don't you?

kay, so I reposted 26 today. Sorry about that. I'll post 27 right now. Happy?

The Librarian grabbed Abe with a slimy, long-taloned paw and dragged him to a large trap door.

"The special stacks are down there," he said, handing the president a torch.

"Are you absolutely certain I've never read any of these books before?" asked Abe.

"Many of these volumes have never been read by human eyes," said The Librarian. "Yours shall be the first, if you survive."

"You truly are a best friend," said Abe.

He rolled up his sleeves, pulled open the trap door, and descended the stone staircase.

Bizarre titles twisted in the flickering torchlight.

Abe giggled with glee.

I guess Abe is happy, too.

I guess we ought to include a Wacky Adventure with the Blogathon I'm doing today. Nothing like a Podcastathon and a 100wordsathonm, right?

We finish the story from Episode 27...

"You must travel this path alone, Mister President," said The Librarian, and he slammed the trapdoor shut.

Abe held the torch in front of him and walked through the hidden corridor of books.

Oddly enough, the cobwebbed ceilings in this book-filled cellar were tall, so Abe didn't have to duck.

"Amazing," he said. "Simply amazing."

When he came to the end of the hall, he saw a stack of books with his name on it.

No dust.

He opened one, and was shocked.

"These are my thoughts!" he shouted. "What witchcraft is this?"

Abe torched the unholy books and ran.

Stay tuned for more.

How about another installment of the Wacky Adventures with... um... er... that guy on the five dollar bill?

It's a rare thing to see the president walk down the middle of the street, but people who looked out their windows on that fine April morning caught a glimpse of Abraham Lincoln slowly strutting down Pennsylvania Avenue.

"You really should head back," said an advisor.

"Never," said Abe. "I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back."

"Are you sure of that?" asked the advisor. "You should really consider heading back."

"Never," said Abe. "Never in my life."

"Even when you've forgotten your pants?" asked the advisor.

Abe looked down, blushed, and shrugged.

"Hail to the chief!" said Lincoln.

Hail to the chief, indeed.

Do you really want another wacky adventure? Of course you do.

Lincoln's stovepipe hat knocked into yet another doorway, but he reached up to keep it from falling at the last minute.

"Why do you wear that ridiculous hat?" asked Mary Todd. "You're tall enough as it is, dear."

Abe smiled, took off the hat, and pulled out a white rabbit.

"Oh, what a cute bunny!" said Mary Todd. "I didn't know you were a magician."

"I'm not," said Abe. "I just like how his fluffy bunny feet massage my scalp."

"Doesn't he crap all over your head?" asked Mary Todd.

"Sure," said Abe. "But that's no different than anybody else."

I love bunnies.

Since I didn't record my 100 Words Or Lessman last night (I was rebuilding my system), here's another adventure with our favoritest president...

Mary Todd looked out the kitchen window. Abe was crawling around the lawn again.

Mary Todd shoved open the window and yelled: "Are you plucking weeds again?"

"I most certainly am," Abe yelled back. "And I'm planting flowers to replace them, too."

"Well, I wish you wouldn't crawl around in your best suit while doing it, you crazy old fart," said Mary Todd. "The cleaning bill is killing us. Grant says we need every penny for the troops."

"Grant," muttered Abe. "Stupid drunk bastard."

So the next time Abe went weeding, he did it naked.

"Much better," yelled Mary Todd.

Aw... don't they make such a cute couple?

Everybody's talking about the Lincoln Bedroom. This person stayed in it, that person stayed in it... but what about the Lincolns?

Morning!

Abe woke up, rubbed his eyes, and stared at the words written in blood on the ceiling:

A HOUSE DIVIDED AGAINST ITSELF CANNOT STAND

Abe leaned over and shook his wife.

"Wake up! Wake up!"

"What is it, Abe?" asked Mary Todd. "The words again?"

"Yes!" shouted Abe. "Look at them! Omens!"

Mary Todd looked up.

Nothing.

"I know what you're up to," she said. "We're not putting a mirror up there."

She rolled over and went back to sleep.

Abe, on the other hand, stared at the words until the blood began to rain down from the ceiling.

Abe's going craaaaaaazy.

At first, I didn't like today's 100 Words topic to the point I wrote quick Wacky Adventure with Abraham Lincoln.

Abe spent a lot of time in the White House Telegraph Office during the war, waiting for news and casualty figures. But as the war progressed, the delays mysteriously increased.

"Are the rebels damaging transmission lines?" asked Abe.

"No, sir," said the operator. "It's these damned advertisements for canned pork products tying things up."

"Pork products?" asked the president.

"Yes," said the operator. "If only there was a name for them."

"Well, let me know when offers come through to thicken my penis," said Abe. "It's certainly long enough to reach the ground by now."

"Aye, sir," said the operator.

However, Wacky Adventure #34 turned out to be enough of an on-topic creation to get posted to the 100 Words site.

Today's challenge was to engage in yellow journalism. With a little twisting of the category, I came up with a special wacky adventure for Abraham Lincoln.

Lincoln hated press conferences.

Okay, he didn't hate the delicious snacks offered there. The seats were comfy, too.

Those damn reporters! Ever since the war began, the press had turned against him.

Better open with a funny quote, he thought.

"Whenever I hear any one arguing for slavery I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally."

A shriveled crone in the front row stood up, clutching her notepad with claw-like hands.

"Is the Stanton Memo true?" she asked. "Didn't your administration provoke The South states into secession?"

Damn Helen Thomas, thought Abe. Won't you ever die?

But then, don't they all think that?

I found it bizarre that today's theme generator presented me with... that's right... a quote by Abraham Lincoln.

It must be fate.

"Fight! Fight!"

President Lincoln put down his beer, walked in between the brawlers, and shoved them apart.

"Enough, Gentlemen!" he roared. "Who be you, and what is your dispute?"

"I am Johnny Mercyseed," said an overall-clad farmer. "I go around the country and plant mercy for all to take comfort in."

"My name's Johnny Strictjustice," said the other, who wore leather and bore a nasty-looking whip. "I punish people for their crimes."

"You're a pervert," said Mercyseed. "Animal!"

"Wimp!" shouted Strictjustice. "Pussy!"

Two years later, they both died at Gettysburg. Abe planted an apple tree.

"Good idea," said Johnny Appleseed.

I had this quote on my shortlist already, but the completed 35 through 40 weren't on it. So that means I get to re-record them with the correct chapter headings.

Joy.

A little Abe Madness to tide you over this fine Friday...

Most children utter first words of Mommy or Daddy.

Little Abraham wasn't like that. He said "One day, I shall be President."

This spooked his parents considerably. Each accused the other of coaching the boy to recite that phrase.

Young Abraham learned a lot of words after those few, but not a day went by without him saying his first words, over and over.

As he climbed the political ladder, more and more people believed in Abe's mantra. Some even repeated it with him.

"One day, I shall be-"

"You're the President, stupid," said Mary Todd. "Enough already."

Abe grinned.

There's more where that came from.

I was going to do this as a 9/11 post, but I figured it would be just a bit too much...

Abe looked out the window and spotted the stagecoach.

Four angry Arabs sat on top of it, whipping the horses and shouting curses with every lash.

"This can't be good," said Abe.

"Relax, Mister President," said his chief of security. "Everything's been taken care of."

The stagecoach rumbled along Pennsylvania Avenue, jumped the curb, crashed through the fence, and made a beeline for the White House.

"Oh crap," said Abe.

The Arabs shouted one last ALLAHU ACKBAR before they and the stagecoach smashed into the building.

"Sixth one today," said Abe. "Is there nothing civil about their war against us?"

But then, compared to everything else I do, is it enough?

You will never guess what quote this is based on. Dig as deep as you want...

During his summers, Abraham Lincoln worked in a circus as a Tic Tac Toe-playing chicken.

"Bawk," said Abe, pecking at the center square.

"That's no chicken," growled the farmer he was playing against. "I think that's just future president Abraham Lincoln in a chicken suit. I want my nickel back!"

"Cluck," said Abe.

"Did you say future president?" asked the carnival owner.

"Yes," said the farmer. "Why?"

The carnival owner hired the farmer on as a Hindu psychic.

Abe was fired, but he kept the chicken suit just in case the whole rail-splitting lawyer and president gig didn't work out.

You'll slap yourself silly when you figure it out.

There's nothing quite like refering to a dead president's thighs.

Abe's favorite hobby was breeding racing flies. He worked hard at breeding different bloodlines for sprinting and long distance races.

Every now and then, he'd breed up a super-fly, capable of competing in both the sprints and the marathons.

The fact that he raised them from maggots deep in the flesh of his calves seriously hampered his chances at public office. So, in the end, he gave up his one true love for politics, as many ambitious men do.

Still during the worst battles of the war, Abe secretly snuck out to indulge in his favorite pastime with enemy corpses.

I suppose this could be a horror story.

Another Lincoln horror tale for your amusement...

Lincoln shuffled his notes. After all his years on the road, he could smell trouble.

Independence Hall reeked of it.

"I have never had a feeling politically that did not spring from the sentiments embodied in the Declaration of Independence," shouted Lincoln to the crowd. "But now that I'm President, let's just forget that whole rebellion against tyrants thing, okay?"

When he got back to Washington, Lincoln commissioned a throne made from human skulls.

"Make sure it matches the drapes," he told the decorator. "Or your skull will join the others."

Impressive, it was. But not good for the spine.

Thank goodness they went with the ordinary chair for the Memorial.

I really like this one for some reason...

War-weary Abraham Lincoln may have proclaimed the last Thursday as Thanksgiving, but he also dictated the special meal to be served to those observing it... "Tree bark, sour grass, and whatever bugs you can catch!" yelled Abe. "All washed down with muddy, algae-encrusted water!" Eventually, Abe came to grips with his modest log-cabin upbringing and settled on turkey with all the trimmings. "But don't forget the vomit buckets!" screamed Abe. "They're the second-most essential part, right next to dressing a common streetwalker like an Indian and beating her to death with a fireiron!" Once again, another regrettable Lincoln childhood memory.

I should save this one for Thanksgiving, I know.

Just so you know, it takes me an average of three tries to get a story right. However, this one seriously busted my balls. Here's a few attempts at recording this story, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

So, here's the episode you've been waiting for... chapter... zero?

You may have heard somewhere that Abe was born in a log cabin

A competing theory says that Abe was born on a distant planet and was shot here in a rocketship by his loving parents, wishing he'd escape the cataclysm that faced their homeworld.

Our yellow sun's rays made him powerful, invulnerable, and even gave him the ability to fly.

So, how did John Wilkes Booth shoot Lincoln then?

Why, a kryptonite bullet, silly.

Of course, rival theories such as these are utterly and totally full of crap, but I like telling the "sewn-together corpses" one to my kids.

Be on the lookout for more chapter zeroes in the future.

Because 100 Words Or Les Nessman is going dark on the weekends, Saturdays are now officially "Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln" days.

And to get things started off, let's check in with Abe as he talks about his mother...

"All I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother," said Abraham Lincoln.

"So what advice did she give you?" asked Mary Todd.

"The last thing she said was 'God fucks everyone up the ass with a hammer!' really loud," said Abe. "It makes perfect sense, too."

"What kind of hammer?" asked Mary Todd.

"Um..." stammered Abe. "I don't know."

Abe spent the rest of his life shoving different hammers up his ass. Claw hammers, sledge hammers, jackhammers...

Only as he was strolling bowlegged into Ford's Theater did he realize he should have shoved them in handle-first.

Tune in next Saturday for more thrilling Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln!

One does not change horses midstream is a famous quote of Abe's. But where did he get the idea from?

Abe stopped the horse in the middle of the stream and began to cry.

"I want a new horse!" he moped. "This one is tired."

"That's not a good idea," said his wife Mary Todd. "You're in the middle of a stream."

"Can I put on new pants, then?" asked Abe.

"Why on earth would you want new pants?" asked Mary Todd. "Did you have some sort of accident?"

"I'd rather not say," said Abe.

"I'll find out eventually," said Mary Todd. "I'm the one who washes them, you know."

Abe shrugged, smiled, and then ordered the burning of Atlanta.

Every Saturday is "Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln" Day. If you don't like it, well, go pound sand!

Well, it's Saturday, so it's time for some holiday spirit in the Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln...

It was Christmas at the White House. Everyone was getting into the holiday spirit.

Except Abe, of course. He'd grumble and roam the halls instead of decking them with boughs of holly.

So, Mary Todd convinced him to play Santa Claus. Being so thin, they figured he could actually slide down the chimney.

However, they didn't count on the amount of padding it would take to get him to fill out the suit. Or the fact that he was so tall.

The suit looked ridiculous. Gangly, gaunt black-bearded Santa.

So, they celebrated Hanukkah instead, burning Southern cities instead of candles.

Want a Kwanza story? Well, Kwanza came a hundred years after Abe died.

Be thankful he freed you people, eh.

Okay, it's time to twist history a little. I wrote this one walking home from the Museum District the other night.

Abe looked at the Santa Claus that had been hired for the Christmas Party and scowled.

"He's drunk," said the president. "And he can't keep his hands off the ladies."

"I'll have him removed, sir," said his bodyguard.

The bodyguard grabbed Santa, who protested loudly.

"I am not drunk and lewd! I am merely acting! I am an actor!"

"That's nice," said the bodyguard, dragging him out the front door.

Santa shook his fist at the White House. "John Wilkes Booth shall have his revenge!"

History tells us that he did. But not about the Santa gig.

Goddamned Carl Sandberg.

I just know that Sandberg left so much out to appease those who treat Lincoln as some kind of demigod.

Fools

Whenever the theme is annoying, I blow it off and work up my own.

Since nobody else seems to be writing about Les Nessman anymore, why should I? I guess it's been long enough since the last Wacky Adventure of Abraham Lincoln... let's go with that.

Grant nearly choked on his flask. "What do you mean he wants to know what brand of whiskey I drink?" "I'm not sure," said his secretary. "Someone in the press called you a drunk, and Lincoln asked what brand you drink so he can give it to his other generals." "So they'll run out of it?" asked Grant. "No," said the secretary. "He's saying he doesn't care if you're a hopeless drunk." "Well, it's about time," said Grant. "Coming to bed?" The secretary nodded, and wondered if Lincoln would order his other generals to engage in violent homosexual sex, too.

Tomorrow, I have the theme. And I think it's a good one. Timely, too.

It's been a while since the last one, so let's try another Abraham Lincoln adventure...

Abe's first State of the Union Address didn't end with God Bless America. Instead, it ended with "Man, this is dull."

The next year, he gave his address while wrestling a bear. Three hours to finish the address, and the bear. It would have been quicker if not for applause breaks.

The year after that, he sang it with a full orchestra. Sadly, the sheet music never made it into the Congressional Record.

After that, he did a Punch and Judy show.

After Lincoln died, Andrew Johnson went back into The House to give his address.

What a dull man.

I keep promising to do more and I keep forgetting.

By the way, episodes 95 through 100 are already written. I just need to get the next fifty or so done to cruise to the finish line.

Now that 100 Words Or Les Nessman is no more, I'll be struggling for themes again.

I might as well try to polish off Abraham Lincoln while I have the chance...

God looked at his To Do list and scratched his head. "Who's Lydia Bixby?" he asked his secretary-angel. "She's the woman who lost all of her sons in the war in America," said the secretary-angel. "Well, that sucks," said God. "Any particular reason why she's on my To Do list?" "Abe prayed up a request," said the secretary-angel. "Something about assuage anguish of bereavement somethingorother." "Can't the man just send flowers like everyone else?" said God. "I'm a busy guy. I don't have time for this." "Fruit basket?" asked the secretary-angel. "Sure," said God. "And send a puppy dog, too."

God will be showing up again in Abe's adventures again soon.

Let's continue with the next adventure of Abraham Lincoln...

Little Abe dangled his legs over the pier and cast the hook into the water. "What are you fishing for today, Abe?" said his father. "Whales," said Abe. "What kind of bait are you using?" asked his father. "I'm using a toe," said Abe. "Where did you get that toe?" asked his father. "I dug it up from the cemetery," said Abe. "I was digging for worms, and I ended up with this toe." Abe's father frowned. "Do you really want to eat a fish that you've caught with a corpse?" "Whales aren't fish," said Abe. "True," said Abe's father.

More soon.

Did you know that Abraham Lincoln liked to climb mountains?

Me neither. I guess I got confused with the whole Mount Rushmore thing.

It was Abraham Lincoln's passion for mountain climbing that got him halfway up the peak's face. His long limbs helped him scramble up the rock like a spider up a wall. Usually, he'd get to the top and bellow gorilla-style, but this time he bored of the endeavor midway. His Passion fled. "Passion has helped us," mumbled Abe. "but can do so no more. It will in future be our enemy." Clinging for dear life, he looked down at the ground. Far below. Too far below. Abe quickly developed a passion for not falling, and he climbed to the top.

What other odd hobbied did Abe have? We'll find out soon.

This time, we're taking a different look at Abraham Loncoln's bloody reign...

You know, back in Abraham Lincoln's day, Vice Presidents went out hunt