Well, we've got another guest contribution from Tomer:

When two political entities are in conflict with one another, there is often a situation of occupation. One of the political entities often sends its soldiers to occupy the other.

The soldier is armed, and he is now in the jurisdiction of a country that isn't his, yet he puts himself as a judge, a jury, and executioner. The soldier goes on a bus, or into a cafe, sits down where he wishes, then conquers and occupies the place, all by activating his weapon. He acts as a Supreme Court Judge, and everyone is guilty.

Sentence: Death.

End the occupation!

Looking forward to more from Tomer.

Tomer Israeli is back for more, this time with a story called "The Hitman."

Five years ago I hired a hitman to kill my family. Ten grand for the wife, ten for the baby. I hoped the hitman would never be caught, at least not alive. He'll rat me out, and I'll go to jail for murder.

The hitman approached my family, when an explosion killed all three of them, and twenty other people.
The person who killed my family and my hitman was a suicide bomber. He was hired by people who gave him twenty five grand. The client was never charged. After all, it's just a political thing. Not murder for hire.

Tomer also has his own podcast is you're looking for more.

Tomer Israeli plays with fire today, calling George Bush scum... sort of...

George Bush is scum and he treats people like garbage.

George Bush is completely irresponsible. I hope he'll die in agony.

What? You're saying I can't say that about the president? He's not the president! He's my annoying neighbor who just happens to have the same name as two presidents. I love the president. I just hate my stupid neighbor.

One time I was walking home in the rain and I saw George's car coming my way. I wanted a lift, but he just kept going, splashing water and mud all over me.

George Bush doesn't care about wet people.

Thanks for the stories, Tomer. And if anybody else is interested in getting their 100 word stories shared through the podcast or mentioned, let me know and I'll be glad to add you to the roster somehow.

The news wires are trying to ignore it, but Tomer Israeli noticed it...

A film about suicide bombers won the Golden Globe awards. I want to win one as well. Maybe I should film my own film about nine eleven. I'll focus on "The Magnificent Nineteen". I'll focus on the feelings the little darlings had right before they went on the plane. The tension they felt when they killed pilots, and the emotional pain they felt as they saw their friends being murdered by passengers.

The movie will show us who they really were. You know, capture the human side of aiming an airplane filled with people towards a building filled with people.

I see an Oscar for Tony Shalhoub in that project.

I wonder who Tomer is talking about here...

I just talked to a podcaster I really really like. I'm not talking about email or forums. No, I actually corresponded with him through the messenger! That's so cool.

But…

He seemed to be too busy to talk to me. That little punk. I think I should torture him. I should tie him up, shove a buffalo burger up his throat, and pour liquid cheese. That would show him, the damn Jew! Wait… I'm a Jew! But that's okay. I don't keep kosher. I wish I was able to get some decent bacon in Israel. Or at least some buffalo.

It's been a while since I've been to Bubba's burger stand. I'd better have some tonight.

Tomer Israeli thinks about a recent birth with joy, and...

It all started during my morning walk.

I was listening to a hilarious abortion joke on some podcast and was laughing out loud. Suddenly, my cell phone rang. I answered it. It was my mother. She told me that my cousin finally gave birth to a baby boy. They still haven't thought of a name.

When we were done talking I put the earphones back on and kept walking, listening to the rest of the podcast, not noticing the bus that was coming at me. I had no friggin chance.

At least now they'll name the damn baby after me.

That wouldn't happen to be the 1 HOSPITAL bus in Houston, would it?

Another classic slice of the odd side of life from Tomer Israeli today:

After a long time of shyly staring at each other, I finally got the courage to approach the girl on the other side of the bar. I was never too good at these things. Fortunately, some girls love these baby-faced, childlike men who feel uncomfortable around them.

This girl was no exception. After a short conversation she told me I was very sweet. I get that a lot.

It was obvious she wanted to go home with me, or at least exchange numbers. Not that it mattered. Once she went to the bathroom I slipped some GHB in her drink.

Stay tuned for more from tomer.

Tomer Israeli has been having a little fun with the stories as of late, but now he's seeing demons!

"I see the demons!" The old man said.

"Demons? What demons?" I asked.

"The demons inside you!" The old man responded. "Your self loathe. You know that you are a good person, and deserve more than you give yourself. Yet you hate yourself and abuse yourself."

"That's right," I said. "I have demons inside of me. What do I do?" I asked.

"Nothing, they are a part of you. Just like your internal organs. They are with you for eternity."

"Fine," I said. "So how do I stop the hate?"

The old man frowned. "Do I look like a shrink?"

What do you see?

Tomer Israeli shows his jealous side today...

I climbed the stairs of the central bus station. I wasn't sure which floor I was supposed to go to. Every time I got to another floor, I just turned to the left, and started climbing another flight of stairs. I thought floor 6 is the highest one, but I turned to the left anyway.

No, no stairs there, just some small concrete balcony that isn't being used for anything. For some reason two people were standing there, a young couple. They were hugging.

I don't know what the context was, but I envied them. They had something I didn't.

More from Tomer in a bit.

Tomer Israeli has a little fun after winning the lottery...

I won the lottery! I can't believe it! I immediately packed up my stuff, went to Vegas, got the Presidential Suite at the Montecito, and got three escort girls! Holy crap, three escort girls! My friends are supposed to be here tomorrow. I got them first class seats on me. But in the meantime, it's just me and the girls. Oh, yeah!

Oh, the stuff I've got planned for tonight. I mean, three girls! Wow! Like, seriously!

One of the girls is sort of heavier than the other two, but that's okay. I mean, she looks great, unbelievably hot! Seriously!

What numbers did you use?

Tomer Israeli comes back with another interesting monologue...

Jim was always a better student than I was. He was always more popular. He was always perceived as the nicest guy, while I was perceived as a punk.

The truth is Jim was a bully who liked hurting other people. I hated him.

And I know, I just know, that since he moved to Britain, he had sex with many beautiful young women. Me? I'm still a virgin. It's not fair. I'm nicer than he is.

Two days after nine eleven I googled the passenger lists. I found his name. At least one good thing happened on that day.

I'll get a section build for his links and site in the sidebar sometime today.

Tomer discusses love and marriage today...

The Internet saved my marriage. Well, not my first marriage. That one was completely destroyed. The Internet saved my second marriage. See, I'm a complete ass. I treated my first wife like dirt. I never really saw her.

But when I met my second wife online, I actually got to know her before we met. We actually discussed issues that I never discussed with my first wife. That's the plus side to meeting someone on the internet.

Take sex for example. I never discussed it with my first wife. It's different when you actually have cybersex before an actual intercourse.

Better than anything Doctor Phil has to say!

After Tomer Israeli finished writing all of those other stories, he's come to the following conclusion...

I'm tired of writing stories. I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of seeing beautiful girls and know I will never have them. I'm tired of going through life feeling dead and empty inside. I'm tired thinking of mindless ways to feel alive. I'm tired of Laurence Simon and his stupid stories. I'm tired of friends giving me advice while they don't understand my situation at all. Screw all of you.

I'm tired of living a meaningless life and doing meaningless chores. I'm tired of studying things that won't get me anywhere in life. I'm so tired. I'll go to bed!

I know how you feel, man. I just bookeneded all of your stories, did the conversions, posted them to the site, and got the show notes together. Doing them one at a time is easy, but all at once can be a grind.

Not that I mind it when the finished product is out there for everyone to enjoy.

Tomer Israeli shares a few memories of joy with us...

In 1998, the intermediate theatre class in North Cobb High School has put on two short plays. I still have the program. I looked at it recently, and went through the names. I remember most of them, but miss all of them. Matt, Aaron, Eric, Chris, Megan, Jessica, Erin, Lindsay. I remember them, and many others. These names mean nothing to you, but they mean something to me.

The last name on that program is some kid named Tomer Israeli. I haven't seen him in many years. I miss him.

If I'm not him anymore, who the hell am I?

I don't know, but he's one heck of a writer.

Tomer Israeli wonders about an odd holiday in a make-believe land...

The citizens of Narnia celebrate Christmas. It's quite interesting that these creatures, who rarely encounter humans, see a human as their personal savior.

I mean, that's what Christmas is about. It's called Christmas! As in Christ!

Christ is an essential part of human society in our world, and still not everyone in our world believes in him. So how come nonhumans in another world celebrate Christmas while many in our world do not?

And what's with Santa? He's in Narnia? Do they also have Mohammed over there?

The Christians blame Hollywood for left wing propaganda. Does anyone speak against Narnia?

I will, but that means I might not be allowed back into the wardrobe.

Tomer Israeli settles a score with an enemy of his family...

The water was turbulent but I got to her in time, and managed to get back.

I was surprised when the mayor wanted to give me an award for my actions, but was thrilled to see him.

"So you're the young hero." He told me when he extended his hand toward me when we finally met in person.

"Sir, you are much braver than me. I know all about your air force service." I said.

"Don't be modest." The mayor smiled.

"I mean it, Sir." I shouted. "You had some balls taking my dad's wings 30 years ago. Up yours!"

Way to go, Tomer!

Tomer Israeli is surprised by a fling from the past today...

I entered my office and was surprised to see Laurie waiting for me. I fucked her couple of times, months ago.

Now the bitch told me she's pregnant. It happened right around the time when she did it with only one person, she says. Guess who she's talking about, that lying whore!

I didn't believe her, but offered her 10 grand to get out of my life permanently. She insisted she wanted more. Responsibility for the baby, she said. Yeah, right.

Three days later some black punks robbed her and kicked her stomach a few times. What are the odds?

Well, that's better than a coat-hanger in a back alley, I must admit.

Tomer Israeli finds a soul mate.

The phone woke me up at 3am.

The best thing about best friends is that you can call them at any time. It's also the worst thing.

I answered. "Sarah, what's up?"

"Goddamnit, it started. I don't know what to do. It's on right now!"

I immediately realized what's going on. She kept me in the loop for the past nine months.

"Sarah, call an ambulance. Now!"

"Too late! What do I do?"

The rest of the conversation was her screaming and me reinforcing her.
A few minutes later I heard an infant crying. I now had another soul mate.

Jealous?

An ominous note from Tomer Israeli today:

To whoever reads this:

I didn't mean to do it. I remember going to sleep last night. I remember being in the hall for a split second, but don't remember going there. The first thing I remember after going to bed with my wife, is standing in front of the mirror, looking at myself. I had scratches over my face and neck.

When I returned to bed, I was surprised to find what you already found. My wife is dead. I don't remember doing it, but there is skin under her nails.

You will find my body in the basement.

Um... I don't have a basement, Tomer.

Tomer Israeli tells a tale of a condom...

There was a free AIDS test offered in the Hebrew University. As I passed through the area where it was given, some girl who worked there offered me to a free test. I refused because there is absolutely no risk. No needles, no sex.

Then this girl offered me a free condom. I refused, telling her I have no use for it. She said: "Take it. It'll bring you luck."

The damn thing won't bring me luck. People make their own luck, but I took it anyway.

It brought my roommate some luck, I guess. He got a free condom.

I had a package of those sent to me in college. They served others quite well.

Tomer Israeli shares what he's watching on the tub right now...

I'm watching channel 1 right now. There is a panel with two hosts, male and female, and several members of the three biggest parties.

The male host said that the viewers may switch to competing channels if they are easily insulted, and then turned to ask a Russian woman from Kadima if maybe the Russians are racists, and they won't vote for Avoda because the leader, Peretz, is a Moroccan guy with a mustache.

One of the other politicians mumbled "excellent question."

For some reason I found it amusing enough for a crappy 100 word story. Gotta love political catfights.

Ah, the things civilized nations have in common.

Tomer Israeli looks at the television show "4400" from a different angle...

I've seen many great shows in my 24 years. The best by far is 'The 4400'. This show is about a group of people from different places, different times, different backgrounds, who find themselves sharing one fate. The 4400 just want to be left alone, but throughout the show they have to deal with many bigoted people who want to hurt them, and they are forced to defend themselves.

Their only ally is the US government. But do they really know what's best for them?

Wait, that's not the story of the 4400. That's the story of my goddamn country!

Never trust Foggy Bottom.

Into every life a little rain must fall, including Tomer Israeli's:

It's pouring rain outside. My first thought was how nice it is to be indoors during such a crazy rain.

My second thought was how nicer it would be to be under my thick blanket, listening to the rain, with not a care in the world.

My third thought was of the homeless. It has to suck, being homeless and having to deal with the rain. It's pouring outside!

The fourth thought was how nice it would just be lying under the blanket after I'm done with my essay. Then I could truly lie without a care in the world.

All you need is a cat and your life is complete. Trust me.

Tomer Israeli tells the tale of a piece of tail, so to speak...

The girl on the videocast looked hot.

She had short dark hair, dark eyes, slim body.

She didn't have any treatment such as botox or silicone. Good. These things only make women less attractive.

She was natural. Well, mostly. Her right arm was covered with tattoos that looked like a sleeve. Her chest had a huge eagle spreading its wings.

Later that night I was lying in bed, thinking about her breasts, her legs, and what's in between. Suddenly it came to me. I envisioned her with long blonde curly hair.

Damn. I knew her personally years ago.

We all know her now.

Tomer Israeli ponders some heavy subjects today...

I'm writing this stupid, stupid essay, about nothing! It's like a prelude to another essay, that I'm actually writing next semester. What I'm dealing with is the reasons Bush went to war with Iraq. I'll try to find some theory that doesn't include oil or Fascism from the US government. Even though it's so obvious Bush is an evil Fascist, and a child molester.

Anyway, what I'm doing right now is just so goddamn technical, focusing on the methods of the work instead of the meat of the subject.

University… I'm not even sure why I'm doing it to myself.

This is why I'm trying to stick to cats these days. Nobody argues about cats.

Tomer Israeli ponders the extent to which you'd go...

Have you ever loved someone so much you would kill for them? Were you ever concerned so much about someone that you wouldn't let go?

You can't let go. You can't take a chance. You have to intervene before they fall into the pits of hell. You have to be there for them when things are bad, not wait until it gets worse.

People will always tell you that things are fine, but you can't take their word for it. You can't wait until someone is dead. You must wage preventive wars, in your personal life, as well as political.

"Will you hear the lion within you roar, or will you take to the hills" is a mantra that's stuck with me for a long time.

Are you ready for a little prank by Tomer Israeli?

Hello, listeners.

While you were subscribing and listening to this podcast, Laurence Simon's computer has been hacked, and information about all of you has been collected. I have gathered information from several IP addresses, and passed it on. Pictures, addresses, phone numbers. Ten people who are linked to five subscribers around the globe will die before December by unnatural causes.

If you're listening to this, obviously Laurence has considered it a prank. A toll will be collected from him, as well as from you. Erasing information on loved ones from your computer will be futile. I have marked ten people.

Ha ha ha... isn't he a laugh riot?

Tomer Israeli thinks about those "peaceful people" for a bit...

I remember when I found out that the movie "Jenin Jenin" was just an anti-Israeli propaganda, filled with lies and defamations against Israel. It was just as offensive as the caricatures in Arab newspapers regarding the Jews.

Obviously, offended by it, I climbed to the roof of the Frank Sinatra cafeteria, and started shooting at students who looked Arab.

No, wait, I didn't kill anyone. I mean… killing people just because they told lies about you and made people hate you? Who would do that? Who would kill and riot over criticism, true or false? Oh, right, those peaceful people.

Aren't they a hoot?

Tomer Israeli comes up with a vicious little story today...

I stalked him for a week before making my move. He was surprised to see me swing a baseball bat at his head. I swung only once, with full force. I wanted him unconscious, but not dead.

I tied him up in his room, put my camcorder on the table, aimed at him, and waited. When he woke up I laid my equipment in front of him.

He looked at me with fear, knowing what's coming.

"Why?" He asked.

I smiled: "Next time you kill a fag, make sure you get the boyfriend as well."

Vengeance is best served hot.

Thank goodness this isn't a video podcast.

Tomer Israeli makes President Bush face an important choice...

Hello, George. Or as they call you around the nation… Dubya.

I want you to make a choice.

Right now there are liberals coursing through your veins. Appeasement is the only antidote.

Will you wage a global and controversial war to save your country?
Listen carefully. There are rules.

You can respond to an attack on your nation by fighting global terror and lose popularity, OR… gain popularity by waiting 8 years for another attack. Your predecessor made his choice, now make yours.

Most liberals and Europeans are so ungrateful to be free from terror. But not you. Not anymore.

I know what John Kerry would choose... the wrong choice.

Here lies Tomer Israeli:

Tomer Israeli wasn't perfect. He wasn't even close. But he tried.

He always had raw potential, and always tried to show the world the greatness he felt buried deep inside of him. He was a good person but always feared that he wasn't good enough.

In his own way, he touched the lives of people deeply, trying to make them see the good in them. It was that touch that made him see himself for what he was worth.

He was sharp, funny, smart, creative, unique, yet he never felt comfortable in his own skin.

Don't ever forget him.

My headstone will say "Most people have roses tossed on their coffin. I had landmines put on mine. Get off of my grave slowly. Now."

Tomer Israeli ponders what he'd do with 24 hours to live...

When they told me I have 24 hours to live, I rejoiced.

Then I had the most fattening, unhealthy lunch, and paid double.

I went to a hooker and fucked her without protection. I gave her a big tip. Interpret that statement anyway you want.

I visited a guy I hate and beat him up. I visited a girl I like and confessed my emotions.

At night I returned to my building, went to the roof, and pissed on other people.

Towards the end I entered my apartment. I looked at the unread books on my shelf, and I cried.

Hey, can I have your books?

Tomer Israeli returns with a really spooky tale of decision-making...

I woke up, and looked at my desk. One die and one piece of paper are all that were on the table. I wrote some notes on the paper last night. I looked through it again.

Option 1: Today I'm going to ask her to marry me

Option 2: I'm going to get back to sleep.

Option 3: I'm going to watch a movie.

Option 4: I'm going to sleep with another man.

Option 5: Today I'm starting a diet.

Option 6: I'm going to kill myself.

I took the die in my hand and rolled it on the floor.

By the way, check out his Basic Israeli podcast. Angst and honesty, rolled all together like an Angst and Honesty Burrito.

Tomer Israeli hates happy people during the holidays? Don't we all?

I hate the holidays. I hate seeing people having fun when I don't. It's one thing being miserable. I can get used to being miserable. The problem is that I hate it when other people's happiness is in my face.

Think about a dog that barely eats. It's one thing when this dog is just lying around hungry, but another thing when this dog is forced to smell food and to watch people eat it in front of its face!

While other people are having fun, I'm home, writing 100 word stories. I hate the holidays. I hate happy people.

"Cause everybody knows... that the world is full of happy people... I've got the shekels and you've got the pistols, let's go..."

I think Tomer Israeli wrote this one for Marty Roberts...

I never understood these Jews who keep on whining about how all Jews should come to Israel, and no Jew should be left abroad.

We should all run and hide? We should all turn Israel into a Jewish ghetto because some people don't want us abroad?

Screw this, I'm gonna live abroad DESPITE the fact people don't want me there. I never understood Jewish isolationism.

I recently heard the horrific details of the murder of Ilan Halimi, and how once again the monsters that run France pretend it was not an assault on Jews everywhere.

I'm beginning to understand.

Tomer Israeli decides to screw with another feature on this podcast...

I was in my position, waiting. I had only one day to prepare, but I knew my plan would work.

I checked the time. 10:15. Time to go.

I walked towards the balcony, opened the door, pulled out my gun, and fired once. I set it up so I would shoot the tyrant exactly after a laugh line, so that the shot would be drowned out by the laughter of the audience.

After I shot the tyrant, I shouted: "Sic Semper Tyranis", jumped on the stage, and ran through it.
The tyrant is dead. No more wacky adventures for him.

YOU BASTARD! I WAS GOING TO FINISH THAT SERIES!

Tomer Israeli steals a line from Albert Eisntein...

I run the craps table at the Paradise Casino. I love my work. I especially love it when celebrities come. Actors, singers, TV show hosts, Laurence Simon. I even like it when evil celebrities show up: Mobsters, lawyers, politicians, Michael Moore.

When the manager told me God himself is coming to the casino, I was so excited. I wanted him to play craps, so that I could be near him. When I saw god and his bodyguards at the casino I shouted: "God, over here! Come play here!"

One of his bodyguards gazed at me. "God does not play dice!"

As for his comment at the end, well, I'm sorry, Tomer, but I don't go on fishing trips.

Tomer Israeli is the luckiest man? How so, Tomer?

The Sheriff's wife was shot dead by her own husband, and I was the only witness. It was obvious he would pin it on me and I would either be gunned down by police, sent to the gas chamber or spend the rest of my life behind bars. My only option was to run away.

I rushed to my girlfriend's house, and I told her everything.

I told her that life with me would mean leaving everything behind, becoming a fugitive.

I can't tell you where we are right now, but I can tell you I'm the luckiest man alive.

Tomer Israeli demonstrates that rotten fruit doesn't fall far from the tree.

That woman picked me out of a lineup, screaming that I had raped her and infected her with my evil seed. It was ridiculous. I don't hurt people.

The detective is a good friend of mine, so I let him have a sample of what he needed to clear me. He called me back and told me that the result clears me, but also highlights a new suspect.

Later that day the police arrested me, but not for rape. They arrested me for murdering their new prime suspect, a man who looked just like me, my 21 year old son.

Tomer Israeli tells us more about his life of crime today...

I pay Simon Dodge's crime organization just enough money so they would leave my whore house alone. Protection, you know. I grease their palms and they grease the cops' palms. Outside my establishment people leave their lives, and inside, on the other side of the walls, these girls are bought and enslaved.

I recently slacked off with the protection payments, so Dodge locked me up in a storage facility. Outside these walls I can hear people living their lives, while inside, I'm suffocating to death. Please... Help me. I don't deserve this. I want to live! I'm sorry! So sorry!

Tomer Israeli was late with his bunny story for this week, but it's finally arrived...

Five months ago farmers all over the world reported broken cages and missing bunnies, but nobody connected these acts.

Three months ago people reported attacks of relatively large bunnies.

Two weeks ago big red-eyed bunnies twice the size of humans started attacking big cities and small villages.

Last night I turned on the television and a big bunny was staring into the camera. It spoke perfect English: "First dinosaurs, then man, now bunnies! We control the planet!"

Today I joined a group of survivors. We're not gonna take it lying down.

Tomorrow I'll be hunting wabbits, ha ha ha ha.

Tomer Israeli turns a quarter of a century old today, and he has every reason to celebrate...

It has taken me a very long time to grow some balls and ask Madeleine to go out with me on Friday. I mean, I kept on thinking, why would someone like her be interested in someone like me? She's out of my league. But eventually, I asked her out. She said yes.

About five minutes later I noticed some other guy asking her out. She told him she already had plans for this Friday. She would have agreed to go out with him if it wasn't for me. I know she would. I'm luckier than I deserve to be.

Tomer Israeli is back and he's using the "naughty" words list again...

I'm in class right now. Dozens of people are sitting in front of me. None of them know what's going on inside of me. None of them know what I've been through lately.

I just want to get up, go to my room, lie on the bed and cover myself. I just want it all to disappear for a day or two. I want time to freeze, and I want everyone and everything to leave me alone.

And the teacher keeps on babbling, and students ask questions that I don't even hear because I'm too busy writing this story. Fuck!

Okay, so Tomer Israeli didn't get the memo about political diatribes and rants. I guess I need to send it around again.

Kofi Annan blames Israel for deliberately killing 4 UN workers. Funny how he never accused NATO for deliberately bombing the Chinese embassy in Serbia. Funny how he never criticized Hezbollah for stealing UN property and impersonating UN soldiers in order to kidnap Israeli soldiers after the withdrawal from Lebanon six years ago. Funny how he gave the terrorist organization aid and comfort after the fact.

If Mr. Annan wants to see a calculated monster that advances the murder of innocent people, that little terrorist collaborator should simply look in the mirror.

Oh, didn't Mr. Kofi win a Nobel Prize? Bastard.